Your Disappointment > My Resentment

Do you believe other people’s feelings are more important than your own? No? Then why do you keep pushing your wants and needs to the back burner? Excuse me—I’m just having a weekly convo with myself, talking myself into making decisions that best serve me, despite potentially disappointing others.

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Sheridan—the first-born daughter and oldest child of a traditional Black household. IYKYK. I grew up constantly questioning whether my decisions would please my parents or set a good example for my brother. Those seeds, planted early through well-meaning advice like “be a good example” or “don’t be so selfish,” grew into a mindset where I almost thought it was admirable to be selfless and thoughtful.

For years, I wore my selflessness and thoughtfulness like a badge of honor—until one day I had enough. I was tired of feeling like the only person in my friendships and relationships making sacrifices for the greater good. Everyone around me seemed to be doing what was best for them without consequence or worry about my feelings or society’s perception. The realization wasn’t instant. Little by little, I saw that my frustration with certain relationships came from giving too much of myself away. That’s when it clicked — instead of resenting others, I could reclaim that energy as selfishness for myself.

Selfishness often receives a bad rap, especially among women. You don’t see society condemning men for their innate selfishness. It’s almost expected that “men think of themselves first” and “women are naturally more nurturing.” Hell, I subscribed to this ideology for a long time before realizing we were being bamboozled.

Everyone else benefits from our selflessness except us. Well, isn’t that convenient?

One day, I was listening to my favorite inspirational speaker, Abraham Hicks. During one of their many rampages, they questioned why we as people place others’ feelings above our own. Naturally, you may think, “I don’t do that.” Yet when we face the reality of how many times we’ve said yes when we wanted to say no—or passed up an opportunity for fear of how it might make others feel—we see that we do put others’ feelings above our own.

It was sobering to acknowledge that I’d rather deal with my own resentment than allow others to sit in their feelings of disappointment—or whatever else might come up for them. And often, we don’t even know how someone will actually respond. In hindsight, there were times I avoided saying or doing something because I assumed how others would react, and prematurely tried to manage their emotions for them.

At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own emotions. Does this mean we walk around saying “screw everybody” and turn into heartless villains who intentionally hurt others? No. What it means is that we take the responsibility for others’ emotions off our plate. If we’re being honest, we can barely manage our own emotions at times—so why do we think we should add our parents’, friends’, partners’, and community’s feelings to the list? Everyone has to be accountable for their emotions and regulate them like the capable adults we are.

I’ve learned it’s far kinder to let someone sit with their disappointment than to bury myself under the quiet ache of resentment. Disappointment is fleeting—it stirs, it aches, and then it softens with time. Resentment, though, lingers like a shadow. It weaves itself into the cracks of every interaction until even love feels heavy.

Choosing their disappointment over my resentment is not cruelty; it’s preservation. It’s giving our connection room to breathe instead of suffocating it under the weight of unspoken bitterness.

And if someone can’t handle their emotions? Have them reach out to a therapist—because you’ve officially clocked out of being everyone’s emotional dumping ground and clocked in as the Untamed woman you are, responsible only for yourself and your emotions.

Desire means listening to what you truly want. Choice means daring to say yes to yourself, even when others may be disappointed. And audacity? That’s the unapologetic courage to let people sit with their own emotions while you stand firm in who you’re becoming.